Bottleneck Breakthrough Audiobook - Chapter 9 - Confrontation | Ep 30

Speaker A

00:00:01.600 - 00:19:57.560

Chapter 9 confrontation your success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations you're willing to have.

From Tim Ferriss your largest client just submitted another project to you and said they need it delivered in half the time you think it should take, but they promised it shouldn't be nearly as complex as the last one. To top it off, they're 60 days late paying the final half of the last project.

They are very responsive to all your emails and calls about current projects, but they ignore any email you send about their outstanding invoices or respond to it weeks later when they finally decide to cut the check. It feels like you're locked in a prison, but you're too scared to try to escape. That is until you explode and go postal on everyone with an earshot.

Or worse, you simply stop showing up and let everything fall apart around you while you self medicate with some non permanently damaging vice. If you're anything like me, you've grown up with a healthy dose of altruism burned into your subconscious.

We're taught that putting others needs before our own is a worthy character trait, and I don't disagree with that. I just think it gets severely distorted, especially when used as a method of control or manipulation.

When you pair altruism with empathy, which allows us to put ourselves in others shoes, you've got a recipe for chronically taking the short end of the stick in all areas of your life, especially your business. The cherry on top of the altruism plus empathy combo occurs when you act as a peacekeeper too. You do whatever you can to keep everyone happy.

The problem is that you end up sacrificing your happiness every single time you do this. The answer is not to become a raging asshole trying to channel your inner Jordan Belfort to get your way every time.

Instead, I suggest that you learn to get comfortable with confrontation.

Every great leader and entrepreneur I've ever studied accepts that confrontation is to be expected, and every person I've ever seen who fails to step up to their fullest potential hides from it. It's that simple.

The Purpose of confrontation I was doing some work for a friend's business a few years back and had a meeting with his partner at the end of the project to tie up some loose ends. In the course of the meeting I discovered that my friend had lied to me about when they would be paying my final invoice.

It was one of those things that leaves you dumbfounded questioning what on earth the motive could have been for it. After stewing about it for a couple days. I knew I needed to confront him to clear the air.

During the time I was mulling it over, I stumbled onto a gift. It was the realization that the only purpose of confrontation is to resolve a dysfunction.

You have to do whatever is possible to restore health to a relationship.

In addition to removing the dysfunction, confrontation also frees you from the endless mental loops that eat away at your focus and energy as you try to deal with it. Once you bring it out into the open, it gets diffused almost instantly.

Regardless of how the other person responds, you may have new challenges if they decide to attack you in return, but the turmoil they put you through while stewing over it loses its power.

The fascinating thing in many cases of taking the short end of the stick is that the person inflicting their dysfunction on you doesn't give you a second thought.

While you brood about all the ways you've been wronged, disrespected, and generally taken advantage of, they're moving right along without a care in the world. Bottling up your negative feelings to keep the peace really does become a prison.

It's completely self sustained because the key to unlock the cell door is in your hands at all times. You just need to muster up the courage to confront the person you let imprison you.

Courage when building my own confrontation muscle, I found myself coming up with many excuses to avoid it. I'd think I'll confront them if they do it again, even though this is already the umpteenth time they've done it.

Or I'd tell myself I don't want to confront them since they're already burdened by so much. I'm sure you have many excuses that sound reasonable too. In the end, it just comes down to taking action even though we're afraid.

That's what courage is. Mike Tyson's famed coach and father figure, Cus d' Amato, has what is, in my opinion, the best perspective on handling fear.

He said the what is the difference between a hero and a coward? No difference, only what you do. They both feel the same. They both fear dying and getting hurt.

The man who is a coward refuses to face up to what he's got to face. The hero is more disciplined and he fights those feelings off and he does what he has to do. But they both feel the same, the hero and the coward.

People who watch you judge you on what you do, not how you feel. Now I still feel the butterflies in my stomach before confronting someone.

They're definitely not as strong as they used to be and I'm no longer short of breath and flush in the face, but they haven't gone away completely. After studying top business leaders for the past decade, I now know they all feel these feelings too.

They just decide to act in spite of them because they know that inaction accomplishes nothing. Hacking Courage There are a handful of ways I've found to muster up the courage to confront someone or do anything that makes me fearful.

They all come back to shifting my perspective away from the immediate to step back and take a more long term view of the situation. The first is to simply ask the question, what's the worst that could happen?

In most cases, this is all I need to ask because I know that the odds of completely destroying the relationship are essentially zero. When it comes to confronting clients, my fear is always that they will decide to stop working with me.

In 100% of the cases in which I've confronted clients, that has never happened. The relationship has always improved over time.

You will find the track record of confrontation starts building enough trustworthy data points that you can start recalling those to kickstart your courage before you even have to ask yourself the question. The next step in hacking courage is a little more complex. It comes from my belief that life is always working things out for my ultimate benefit.

You may completely disagree with me on this.

I've just found that from my own personal experience that even the most painful, catastrophic and bad things still weave together to create something better later on.

Whether it's been bankruptcy, foreclosure, a miscarriage, being in the ICU from a head injury, or blowing the medical college admissions test which prevented me from getting into med school, I can see now how they all led to a positive outcome later.

If you've never looked back at the catastrophes in your life to see how they either unlock something better later on or or with a crucible to strengthen something in you that has made your life better now, I'd encourage you to take a stroll down memory lane. I'm confident you'll see that everything ended up working out in the end.

With that perspective, I can step back and see that resolving the dysfunction in my life right now will always produce more fruit later on.

If it means that the relationship with the person I'm confronting comes to an end, I trust that it's opening up space for a new relationship that is better. For the new season I'm stepping into.

Early on in my confrontation muscle building pursuit, there were times where those two hacks still weren't enough for me to take action. I found that the question why Is their joy more important than my joy? Was the key that would finally get me unlocked?

This question has a lot of layers, so here's why it worked so well for me. First, it short circuited the excuse not to add more of a burden on them. It helped me see that I was taking the short end of the stick again.

Plus, I knew that if I was stewing over it taking away my joy that my wife and kids were getting emotional shrapnel from it too. It's impossible for me to stay my positive, fun loving self with my family when I'm mulling over the frustration of something I need to confront.

Sometimes I can talk it out with my wife and diffuse it without having to confront the person, but that's just a band aid until they do it to me again. In the end, asking why is their joy more important than my joy? Shows me that not having courage hurts my family.

This allows me to overcome any reluctance I have about acting through my fear.

How to Confront now before you charge off to confront every person causing turmoil in your life, here are some tips that will help you avoid stepping on landmines in the process. First, do not take their actions personally that trigger the dysfunctional relationship.

I know that's a million times easier said than done, but the reality is that very few people intentionally want to cause you grief. They're acting out of their own stress and it just happens to point at you in person. Avoid confrontation through email or text 100% of the time.

Never do it through email or text.

There is no end to the ways in which the written word can be misunderstood and the last thing you want is a misunderstanding over something this important.

I've used email to set up a confrontation call so the other person isn't completely sideswiped by it when I bring it up in our next conversation, but I never fully explain it or try to resolve it through email. Here's an example to give you some context. I was helping a client launch a completely new offer to their email list.

It took a few months of research, testing and building everything out before we were ready to launch it.

Then during the launch, he disappeared on me twice, not responding to email or Skype messages for a full week the first time and five days the second. I was completely hand tied waiting on him both times.

Obviously my frustration was sky high, especially since he had put the deadlines together with me and I wasn't going to be able to meet them now.

Instead of blasting him through email, I sent him the following hey, not sure what's on your plate right now, but I need some input on the next promo email before I can move forward. If you could spend five minutes going through it and leave any comments on it that will allow me to get it out the door.

Then we can discuss updated timing on our next call so we're on the same page. So let me break this down so you can see my thinking behind it.

I start by acknowledging that I'm sure he's tackling some big stuff that's causing him to check out. Most people have no idea how their actions affect others, so I just want to help him see that I understand but still need a response.

Then I give him very clear instructions that will help me get unlocked. This sets up the confrontation to show him that I didn't need hours and hours of his time to keep moving this forward.

It helps defuse his potential argument that he didn't have any time available for me because he can find five minutes anywhere. Finally, I let him know that we're going to be updating our agreement regarding what's expected because his delays set me back two weeks.

This is the very mild tip off that I will be confronting him on this without making him get all worked up or defensive.

Positive Thoughts the worst results I've experienced during confrontation came when I was still angry to the extent where I even wanted revenge while I was doing the confronting. This just buries any positives that come from the confrontation with so much negativity that the only outcome is more conflict.

It's like you take the negative feelings you're carrying and pass them over to the other person and be multiplied in the process. I'm sure this is how civil wars have started.

The only way confrontation works to produce a healthier relationship is if I come at it without any anger or desire for revenge. I have to be 100% focused on resolving the dysfunction to make the relationship healthier.

I'll even explain this to the person I'm confronting if I feel they're starting to get defensive. It gives them instant perspective and takes away nearly all the tension instantly.

Since I need to be in a peaceful, positive state when confronting someone, it usually means I need to sleep on it. Very rarely am I able to identify the exact issue that's causing me stress right in the moment and then deal with it on the spot.

I think that's a superpower worth developing, but I'm not quite there yet. When you are triggered through email by someone else, that makes it 10 times easier to want to confront them through email.

Do not do this it's the worst kind of trap and will just lead to a downward spiral if you do now let's talk about fast talkers. I've come across a situation where the person who needs to be confronted is a master at avoiding it.

A brilliant counselor friend of mine talks about how some people develop the ability to keep any bricks thrown at them from ever reaching the target.

The mental bricklayer takes anything coming at them that might cause them any harm or discomfort and diverts it off to the side to build a wall of protection.

The master bricklayers in our lives always seem to have an excuse, objection, or way of deflecting our statements so that they are never held accountable for their actions. They can even make us feel bad for trying to confront them too, which is always a tip off to know they've mastered the art of deflection.

Another tip off is if they seem to be faster at processing the conversation than I am, using false logic to trip me up and escaping before we can resolve the confrontation. It's like dealing with a master litigator who's always pummeling me in court, much like Johnny Cochran did to Marcia Clark in the O.J. simpson trial.

The way I've found to confront the fast talking bricklayer is to start by confronting the dodging tactics themselves or being much more blunt out of the gate. The following are Go to statements that have worked for me. Your mileage may vary.

I'll say I'm not enjoying working with you and I want to change that. Or I don't care what your excuses are, we're going to talk this through until it's resolved.

Or finally, I know this isn't fun for you, but if we're going to continue, it needs to be resolved now. The other pitfall when confronting a person like this is that they start trying to throw bricks back at you.

When that happens, I found the following response works to keep the conversation on point. I'll say we're not here to talk about that right now.

I'm happy to go over it with you later in this process, but right now we need to talk about X, Y and Z. Who do you need to confront? As a business owner, your list of possible confrontation sources is longer than most.

You interact with more people than the average person, and you carry more responsibility too. Since this book focuses on helping you grow your business, the following are the key roles and possible triggers that justify a confrontation.

Employees A business coach I worked with once coined the term thick air when I was dealing with a difficult employee. She said that if anyone working for me created tension anywhere in the company, then they had to be confronted to resolve it.

She called that tension thick air and it defines the situation perfectly for me. You feel it the second you're in the same room with them.

You avoid eye contact or talking about trigger topics, or even adjusting the conversation you're having with someone else when they're around. Regardless, you know the feeling of thick air and you need to confront it.

The beauty of confronting employees is that it can happen effortlessly in your weekly implementation meetings with them. Clients Dan Kennedy told me a great line that will help you know if you need to confront a difficult client.

He said, if I wake up in the morning thinking about you more than two days in a row and you're not my wife, then you've got to go. How many times do you go to bed or wake up anxious about a difficult client? No amount of money is worth that stress.

Plus, as I stated above, every time I've confronted clients that were causing me this anxiety, it was resolved without any backlash or damage to the relationship. A great way to start the confrontation is to let them know that you've been stressed about the relationship.

I start with a disclaimer like, I'm sure you have no idea this is happening, but I've been worried about X for a while. I just need to get it out in the open and figure out how to resolve this so it's no longer a problem on my end.

The majority of the time they'll respond with surprise and if they're really healthy, they will apologize and encourage you to bring up this type of problem sooner if it happens again. If you're dealing with stressed out employees of a massive client, then you might not get very far with this approach.

They're likely to throw their hands in the air and reveal that you're only feeling a fraction of the stress they've got from managing unrealistic expectations from their boss or department.

In those cases, I find that what works best is maintaining strong boundaries and over communicating what you need from them in order to perform your job. I have a client who works with a massive Fortune 100 company and my client ended up dealing with delay after delay from this Fortune 100 company.

But the Fortune 100 company wouldn't allow them to change the delivery date in the contracts.

So obviously my client felt the stress since the delays just meant more pressure for his staff to deliver on time, which was unfair to everyone involved since the contract had been negotiated months in advance. The solution in this case was to send contract amendments documenting that the client was failing to hold up their end of the timeline.

This would allow my client to justify a later delivery if his team needed the extra time.

It also triggered a new clause in future agreements that kept the delivery date flexible if the client didn't deliver on their responsibilities Partners Business partners can be harder than marriage partners.

At times you're tied to them until death or buyout do you partner, but you don't have the love and lifelong commitment as a foundation to work through difficulties. And you don't have time alone at night after the kids go to bed to talk through things so you can get back on the same page.

The issues above involving thick air and waking up thinking about these problem people usually go hand in hand with partner conflicts.

In every case I've advised, the partner with the anxiety is the one taking the short end of the stick, while the other partners aren't aware of it or are master bricklayers themselves. Whatever the case, you owe it to yourself to resolve this issue as soon as possible.

Letting business as usual distract the two of you from dealing with this is as bad as ignoring that brain tumor that's giving you headaches every day. The conflict will grow rapidly and eventually kill you and or the business.

If your partner isn't responsive to your confrontation attempts and is happy to protect the wall they've built, then you need to enlist professional help.

If you can't find a consultant or business mentor to facilitate the resolution, then going to a marriage and family counselor or talented life coach would be next on my recommendation list. You need to do whatever it takes to get this resolved.

Otherwise you're just subjecting yourself to living with a thorn in your side until you or your partner get a business divorce. Vendor the easiest way to know if you need to confront a vendor is if they're not making your life easier on every front.

If they deliver late, screw up orders, have batches that break or are low quality, or have terms that cause you stress, then you need to confront them. The goal of every vendor relationship is to be mutually beneficial, but that's not always the case.

If you're a small fry in their pool of clients, then obviously you can't go in guns blazing demanding that every concession be on their end.

But you can certainly let them know that specific parts of your relationship aren't acceptable and see what options they might be open to for improvement. As Wayne Gretzky famously said, you miss 100% of the shots you never take.

I tell every client in this situation, you don't get what you don't ask for.

So don't forget that this may be a good time to review whether new vendors now exist that weren't around when you started working with the one that's giving you a headache now. I know that change can be tedious, but removing the stress is always worth it.

And you never know what new benefits might exist with other vendors that could open new doors for you. Obviously, your life extends far beyond the boundaries of your company, so don't stop with this list to improve your relationships.

It can be emotionally exhausting to clean up dysfunctional relationships, so just chip away at them as you can.

It's not a race, and I think you'll find plenty of motivation once you see how great it feels to clear up some of the more toxic relationships in your business. Action Steps who's causing you stress in your life right now? That's the first person you need to confront.

Take some time to write out the factors causing you stress. Also, be sure to include the solutions to these problems so that you can present them. Then muster up the courage to confront them.

I always recommend just walking into their office at the end of the week when things are slowing down, or take them out to grab a cup of coffee. If it's an employee, do it during your weekly implementation meeting with them.

Scheduling the confrontation ahead of time and making a big deal out of it tends to magnify it unnecessarily. You're not going to trial, you're just resolving a relationship issue.

Once you get one confrontation done, I'd suggest continuing to do it until all of your relationships are back to good health and are no longer causing you stress.

If the problem is with an extended family member, it might not be possible to resolve it, so use your best judgment to decide whether it's worth confronting them. But issues with everyone in your business and immediate family must be resolved now that you have the tools to do so.

Life is too short to put up with dysfunctional relationships and the stress they cause.